Where my brain and heart are at right now...
I am not wrestling with my faith or whether or not to go to church...I am wrestling with do I stay or do I go... There are several reasons I am wrestling with this...
1)My daughters... Little A has anxiety, sensory processing disorder, and undiagnosed FASD , and probably ADHD... right now she hates church. I don't want her to associate Jesus with "church" the building...She is so uncomfortable at church - for her...the music is too loud, the floor shakes and makes her body uncomfortable, she has to sit too long (and those who know her - know she is not a sitter)...she has to be moving all the time...her Sunday school class...she has separation anxiety - so she does not want me to leave her (which I do cause I desperately need a break!), her room echos - it is too loud for her, she shuts down so she does not participate or "get anything" out of being there... and the list goes on about why she hates church. When made to sit in church - it usually ends with me yelling at her cause she was jumping pews, climbing on my shoulders, licking me, crawling under the pews, running in and out of the service (to go get water or pee break - just to leave the sanctuary cause she is so uncomfortable in her own body... and I don't make her "just sit" - she has playdough and coloring, and a snack, and a stuffy, and construction headphones to make it quieter, and chewlery so she can bite something other than her fingers till they bleed...
Big A has made so many great connections and friendships, she volunteers in the nursery, and is excited about joining youth in a few months, and does not want to leave.
Mommy - is torn - Mommy does not yet have the connections that Big A does - but she is working on it still and has been for 5 years. It is exhausting trying to manage Little A, fellowship, and worship at the same time. I don't feel like I am really worshiping (giving or receiving) on Sundays - its just fight day... Maybe a smaller church would be a better fit for Little A? Maybe no where is going to be a good fit? Maybe I just need to keep trying - but it is really really really hard!
2)I do feel like I have been a support to our Children's Pastor, we have become good friends in the process of making the Sunday school rooms more sensory / special needs friendly...There is still work to be done here and I feel like I can serve here. I do enjoy this, and it was very encouraging the other day to hear our Occupational Therapist say that the grade 1-5 class is really amazing. Felt like confirmation that I am on the right track and I am doing some good here. I know our Children's Pastor does appreciate it too. I also have felt very supported by our Children's Pastor. She has gone out of her way to support me and my girls. She has even attended an FAS conference with me. (This was a huge one for me)...She goes above and beyond to support me and my girls (It feels pretty great to have her in my corner - she is pretty awesome in my books).
3)Our church theme this year is "Share". Could be quite an amazing year. I see so much opportunity in this word. Share...
Share food together (potluck, theme missions dinners, pizza party...
Share kids together (moms morning out, playtime at the park, movie night, bowling, skating, go to the zoo, beach, hikes, playplace... just do stuff together so our kids can be friends and we can be friends
Share life together (are you wanting exercise? walk with a friend from church, attend a class together, do you like art? maybe someone at church wants to do an art class with you? what do you like to do? is there a way you can do it with someone from the church community? Who knows what kind of a blessing that could be!
Share your gifts with one another.
Share burdens & sorrows (sometimes stuff in life just sucks! Sometimes we want to vent, sometimes we want answers, sometimes we want a hug and a prayer)
Share desires
Share joys (sometimes things in life are amazing)
Share your faith with neighbors / community (we need safe and loving community within our church before we can bring unchurched friends in... - but they would probably feel comfortable letting their kids play in our gym, meeting at a park, going to the zoo in a group, games night at the church, movie night at the church, our church doing life together out in the community. What a testimony that could be,
and many more "shareable" things in life
I have so many dreams and hopes and desires for our church - part of me whats to keep fighting and part of me feels like the fight was long over and nothing is ever going to change... That is where the wrestling all comes in... I still have a little fight left in me.
I am not looking for answers - just writing out my thoughts so I can try and let things go and get some sleep.
Thursday, March 9, 2017
Saturday, March 4, 2017
Lost and Alone
Today was a very long, difficult, sobering, grieving day.
I went to a seminar / workshop today for special needs youth who are transitioning into adulthood.
I went with a friend who is walking the journey ahead of me.
I am very thankful that she was there.
As I walked into the gymnasium, I saw all the tables full of supports surrounding the gym floor.
I was a little overwhelmed just seeing all the tables...as I slowly walked around waiting for my friend - I started to have a difficult time breathing and was feeling hot and weepy - needed to step out and get some air. I texted her to see where she was - thankfully she was not far away.
As I began to explore the tables more - I was beginning to think that there did not seem to be many supports there for people living with FASD...later I realized that I was very right.
I listened to some of the speakers - and there was one that DID support people with FASD, but not till they turn 16...
Later a few more familiar faces joined the afternoon of listening to the speakers. They suggested supports that were there to go ask questions to and as I went table to table asking if and how they support people with FASD - they all shook their heads saying no.
Later still another familiar face tried to remind me of the supports that I receive due to homeschooling...yes, that is great - BUT - what if I wanted my kids to go to public school so I could go back to work? What if I wanted to have my kids integrated in the public schools? My kids would have absolutely no support. Also - these supports are meant for special needs people in our town and province...we live here too...my children (all children) should be supported somehow!
Then I get home to a child who lets me know that she is not going to church tomorrow.
We talked about it - she does not like the loud music that shakes her ears and vibrates her body, she tells me how uncomfortable it makes her.
The last time we went to church - it was a terrible experience for this child and myself. She had sensory overload - began licking me and climbing on the pews and my shoulders...then disappeared and hid in the church on me...(there is more to the story - but this is the short version)
Keeping my daughter in the service with me is really getting quite difficult. I have seriously tried everything. My daughter does not want to sit through the service and she makes it so I don't want to either...I don't know what else to do. I have tried everything to support her sitting in the service. I bring new activities for her every week (I spend $3-$10 per Sunday to attempt being able to hear the sermon). She has construction head phones to make things quieter for her, she has her sensory items with her, and snack / water available to her too. I understand being with community and fellowship together - people says its just a phase - but special needs is not a phase.
So - long story short - I am feeling unsupported by the government & community. I would like to know where the supports for children with FASD, and anxiety are.
Today I am feeling lost and alone.
I went to a seminar / workshop today for special needs youth who are transitioning into adulthood.
I went with a friend who is walking the journey ahead of me.
I am very thankful that she was there.
As I walked into the gymnasium, I saw all the tables full of supports surrounding the gym floor.
I was a little overwhelmed just seeing all the tables...as I slowly walked around waiting for my friend - I started to have a difficult time breathing and was feeling hot and weepy - needed to step out and get some air. I texted her to see where she was - thankfully she was not far away.
As I began to explore the tables more - I was beginning to think that there did not seem to be many supports there for people living with FASD...later I realized that I was very right.
I listened to some of the speakers - and there was one that DID support people with FASD, but not till they turn 16...
Later a few more familiar faces joined the afternoon of listening to the speakers. They suggested supports that were there to go ask questions to and as I went table to table asking if and how they support people with FASD - they all shook their heads saying no.
Later still another familiar face tried to remind me of the supports that I receive due to homeschooling...yes, that is great - BUT - what if I wanted my kids to go to public school so I could go back to work? What if I wanted to have my kids integrated in the public schools? My kids would have absolutely no support. Also - these supports are meant for special needs people in our town and province...we live here too...my children (all children) should be supported somehow!
Then I get home to a child who lets me know that she is not going to church tomorrow.
We talked about it - she does not like the loud music that shakes her ears and vibrates her body, she tells me how uncomfortable it makes her.
The last time we went to church - it was a terrible experience for this child and myself. She had sensory overload - began licking me and climbing on the pews and my shoulders...then disappeared and hid in the church on me...(there is more to the story - but this is the short version)
Keeping my daughter in the service with me is really getting quite difficult. I have seriously tried everything. My daughter does not want to sit through the service and she makes it so I don't want to either...I don't know what else to do. I have tried everything to support her sitting in the service. I bring new activities for her every week (I spend $3-$10 per Sunday to attempt being able to hear the sermon). She has construction head phones to make things quieter for her, she has her sensory items with her, and snack / water available to her too. I understand being with community and fellowship together - people says its just a phase - but special needs is not a phase.
So - long story short - I am feeling unsupported by the government & community. I would like to know where the supports for children with FASD, and anxiety are.
Today I am feeling lost and alone.
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