Wrestling with Church...

Where my brain and heart are at right now...
I am not wrestling with my faith or whether or not to go to church...I am wrestling with do I stay or do I go... There are several reasons I am wrestling with this...

1)My daughters...  Little A has anxiety, sensory processing disorder, and undiagnosed FASD , and probably ADHD... right now she hates church. I don't want her to associate Jesus with "church" the building...She is so uncomfortable at church - for her...the music is too loud, the floor shakes and makes her body uncomfortable, she has to sit too long (and those who know her - know she is not a sitter)...she has to be moving all the time...her Sunday school class...she has separation anxiety - so she does not want me to leave her (which I do cause I desperately need a break!), her room echos - it is too loud for her, she shuts down so she does not participate or "get anything" out of being there... and the list goes on about why she hates church.  When made to sit in church - it usually ends with me yelling at her cause she was jumping pews, climbing on my shoulders, licking me, crawling under the pews, running in and out of the service (to go get water or pee break - just to leave the sanctuary cause she is so uncomfortable in her own body... and I don't make her "just sit" - she has playdough and coloring, and a snack, and a stuffy, and construction headphones to make it quieter, and chewlery so she can bite something other than her fingers till they bleed...
Big A has made so many great connections and friendships, she volunteers in the nursery, and is excited about joining youth in a few months, and does not want to leave.
Mommy - is torn - Mommy does not yet have the connections that Big A does - but she is working on it still and has been for 5 years. It is exhausting trying to manage Little A, fellowship, and worship at the same time. I don't feel like I am really worshiping (giving or receiving) on Sundays - its just fight day... Maybe a smaller church would be a better fit for Little A? Maybe no where is going to be a good fit? Maybe I just need to keep trying - but it is really really really hard!

2)I do feel like I have been a support to our Children's Pastor, we have become good friends in the process of making the Sunday school rooms more sensory  / special needs friendly...There is still work to be done here and I feel like I can serve here. I do enjoy this, and it was very encouraging the other day to hear our Occupational Therapist say that the grade 1-5 class is really amazing. Felt like confirmation that I am on the right track and I am doing some good here. I know our Children's Pastor does appreciate it too. I also have felt very supported by our Children's Pastor. She has gone out of her way to support me and my girls. She has even attended an  FAS conference with me. (This was a huge one for me)...She goes above and beyond to support me and my girls (It feels pretty great to have her in my corner - she is pretty awesome in my books).

3)Our church theme this year is "Share". Could be quite an amazing year. I see so much opportunity in this word. Share...
Share food together (potluck, theme missions dinners, pizza party...
Share kids together (moms morning out, playtime at the park, movie night, bowling, skating, go to the zoo, beach, hikes, playplace... just do stuff together so our kids can be friends and we can be friends
Share life together (are you wanting exercise? walk with a friend from church, attend a class together, do you like art? maybe someone at church wants to do an art class with you? what do you like to do? is there a way you can do it with someone from the church community? Who knows what kind of a blessing that could be!
Share your gifts with one another.
Share burdens & sorrows (sometimes stuff in life just sucks! Sometimes we want to vent, sometimes we want answers, sometimes we want a hug and a prayer)
Share desires
Share joys (sometimes things in life are amazing)
Share your faith with neighbors / community (we need safe and loving community within our church before we can bring unchurched friends in... - but they would probably feel comfortable letting their kids play in our gym, meeting at a park, going to the zoo in a group, games night at the church, movie night at the church, our church doing life together out in the community. What a testimony that could be,
and many more "shareable" things in life

I have so many dreams and hopes and desires for our church - part of me whats to keep fighting and part of me feels like the fight was long over and nothing is ever going to change... That is where the wrestling all comes in... I still have a little fight left in me.

I am not looking for answers - just writing out my thoughts so I can try and let things go and get some sleep.